How I Apologize as a Leader

Acknowledging our mistakes can be opportunities to foster or repair professional trust

It was the weekend before the current school year began. Stress was high. While checking email, two teachers sent messages revealing their anxiety. One was pointed. “I feel like we have not been adequately prepared for this school year. I am not feeling supported.”

While reading, I felt negative emotions and thoughts rising to the surface. Is it possible this year to feel adequately supported? This has never been done before! Thankfully, I paused, took a breath and responded to those concerned with the following:

“Thank you for reaching out to me. I am sorry you are not feeling supported at this time. I appreciate knowing how you feel right now. I wish I had more answers for you. For not providing more clarity, I apologize. If you want to talk through these challenges this weekend, please reach out to me at my home phone number. Really. I am here to support you.”

The teachers responded back with appreciation. I didn’t get a call that weekend. Apparently simply being available with a genuine invitation for assistance was all that was needed.

This is not how I have always responded in the past. I have been defensive in these types of interactions, which devolved into an argument where no one was the winner and trust was decreased between us.

How I have changed is viewing apology as an effective strategy for fostering trust and repairing relationships.

Apologizing is not easy. Speaking for myself, I tend to steer toward perfectionism. Because of my deep involvement in a decision or action, I am personally as well as professionally invested in the outcome. My identity is intertwined with my work. So, acknowledging our mistakes can be risky if we perceive these errors as a reflection of who we are as a person.

Photo by Zdeněk Macháček on Unsplash

What helps me is having a protocol to follow when issuing an apology. Tschannen-Moran suggests four steps for repairing trust between two people (2014, pg. 222-229):

1.     Admit it – acknowledge that the violation occurred

2.     Apologize – to express regret

3.     Ask for forgiveness

4.     Amend your ways – commit to change

In my initial example - the teachers not feeling supported before the school year began - I admitted that I had not provided enough clarity for what was expected and expressed regret. While I did not specifically ask for forgiveness, I did offer my availability to take a call and support their efforts on a weekend to amend the situation. Not perfect, but it was effective.

You might ask, Are you really to blame for what occurred? A fair question for these times. My initial reaction, to defend myself by pointing toward factors outside of our control, may have been justified. As Tschannen-Moran notes (pg. 222-223):

“In running schools, principals often find themselves between a rock and a hard place, with the needs of one constituent played off against the needs of another. As mid-level managers, they are often caught in a vice between initiatives and mandates from central office and being attuned to the needs of their teachers and students. Even within a given school building, there are many competing interests to be balanced. It can feel as though every possible course of action will in some way damage the trust of one group or another.”

Yet an apology does not have to be an acknowledgment of incompetence. For instance, an apology structured well can lower the guard of a defensive faculty member when they are at fault. A colleague shared the following situation with me in their school.

“One teacher was not implementing a new literacy initiative well. She was resistant and did the bare minimum. So I asked her to come to my office. While the teacher was visibly nervous, I started by apologizing for not making the expectations clear enough for this work. Her body started to visibly relax as we continued to discuss the issue. While she is not where I want her to be, she has shown more commitment in implementing some of the reading practices we have been learning about as a faculty.”

In addition to decreasing someone else’s ego so they are more open to change, an apology can make us appear more human. Everyone makes mistakes, especially as we engage in new ways of teaching and leading.

In a conversation with one of my teachers, I learned they were disappointed that I had not consulted with them prior to assigning one of their students to an online enrichment resource. This was per a parent’s request. After our conversation, I realized that in my rush to help others in these challenging times, I was not particularly helpful. I responded with the following:

“I made a mistake by not communicating with you about this issue. My apologies! While I had good intentions, it is clear that I overstepped. I hope we can connect sometime soon to get your perspective on this issue and then make a smarter decision.”

Our subsequent communications have been much more productive. Their perception of my competence was not diminished. As well, I feel more approachable to this teacher.

Leadership is imperfect work (the same goes for teaching). We can acknowledge this at times through a structured apology. It does not lessen our capacity to lead. In fact, done well it can make us appear more human, humble, and willing to learn.

Reference

Tschannen-Moran, M. (2014). Trust Matters: Leadership for Successful Schools. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass

Enjoyed this article but not a subscriber? Sign up today and receive two original posts per week in your inbox. Premium subscribers receive even more.