The concept of mature empathy resonated with me and, at least in some part, because it confounds me. I am a problem-solver and tend to always want to be helpful. So, not jumping in to help is hard for me.
In 1992, I, like many, enjoyed the movie White Men Can’t Jump. There is one scene where Rosie Perez’s character is talking with her boyfriend, played by Woody Harrelson.
In one scene, she explains that sometimes when she shares problems, she’s not asking for help fixing them, she’s just looking for empathy. It’s the middle of the night and Rosie tells Woody that she is thirsty. He gets her a glass of water, which makes her angry because she didn’t want him to get her water, but rather to feel her pain and empathize with it.
What? I thought. That is totally ridiculous!
But, in reading Safir’s chapter on mature empathy, I am revisiting the clip and asking if it isn’t as ridiculous as I once thought…
Mature Empathy and Shane Safir
On page 117, Safir explains mature empathy like this:
[It] doesn’t mean trying to fix or solve other people’s problems; on the contrary, it reminds us when to remain an empathetic listener without offering a lot of advice. This can be really difficult for leaders who are used to solving problems!
True! It is VERY hard! At least it is hard for me. I think of myself as solution-focused and I tend to rush to solve problems. I mean, come on! Of course, I do, I am a school leader, a wife, and a mother! “Problem-solver” is practically my middle name.
Now that I’ve read Safir’s book, though, the question is, should I be? The answer? Probably not. Why? One good answer speaks directly to my last post. I shouldn’t rush to solve problems because, as Safir says:
Although we may want to offer a quick fix---’If I were in your shoes, I would just…’--such advice fails to build that person’s confidence in his or her own judgment and ability. If we always jump in to say the day, we risk cultivating dependency and learned helplessness (p. 117).
Hmm. Good point.
Then, she brings it home with this:
One of the gifts of a Listening Leader is the ability to empower others to make clearer and better decisions (p. 117).
Well, that is one of my big-picture goals. I am good at helping students build self-efficacy, even when they have lawn-mower parents clearing all paths for them. But, frankly, I haven’t done as well in helping teachers
My Next Steps
Thankfully, Safir offers help to me (and to everyone!). On page 119 she offers “Tips for using this stance (mature empathy.)” Among those tips are sentence stems for helping me hang back and listen. I mean really.
Just.
Listen.
Then, instead of rushing in to offer solutions, saying something like this, “What do you need from me?” or “How can I support you?” or “Is there anything I can do for you?”
I love that.
I’m going to try to be more Rosie than Woody. I am going to try to feel your thirst rather than bringing you a glass of water.
I get it now.
Thanks, Shane.